Martin Luther King Jr. Day 2021

     Today is a vital day. An important day. A day of acknowledgement for the sacrifices made to make strides towards a better world. A more equal world, not based on skin color or privileges given at birth. 

    1968 was a long time ago. Some might not even think it is very relevant to today. I would argue that they are wrong. Yes, it seems a long time ago. There are still so many things that are the same though. Privileges granted through birth, based off of gender, race, and economic status are still very much the same. From the first breath that is taken, certain people have advantage over others. It is unfortunate, but it is true and undeniable. It has been proven and still has not changed. History is being held on to, and certain facts are not being incorporated efficiently or quickly enough. It was only a few years ago that a non-White President led our country. We have yet to see a female lead our country. Leadership seems to be for the few and for those who can gain advantage over others. There has been progress, and our country is a beautiful place. There is still so much to be done though. There is always so much more that can be done- within ourselves and within the world.  

    Sure, we have made strides. But strides are not enough. It is not enough until NO ONE is running for their life. It is not enough when there are people who walk out of their homes and have to wonder if they may ever return to them. People who step out of their safe zones and fear they may be beaten or killed for an indifference they will never have control over. For their heritage. For their culture. For their tone of voice, for their skin tone, for their ethnic background. For the sins of their forefathers, for the perceptions of "their kind". How could it possibly be that all people in one group, one created category, are the same? That has never been a part of American culture or society. Unless, perhaps, it pertains to people that we don't know, don't understand, don't care enough about to understand, or simply want to hold on to our "truths" that are so engrained into us that they are not scars, but more of a birthmark. There are things that are taught to us without our realization, these ideas sneak inside of us without notice. They take root and become near impossible to remove. Ideas about stereotypes, cultures, heritages, languages, groups of people, religion, appearance, good and bad. All of these little "truths" make up who and how we are. Sometimes they are taught responsibly and intentionally by our caregivers and guardians. Those are the most impactful and longest lasting ideals that are founded within us. The most dangerous ones, though, are those we are not even aware of. The ones that sneak out unexpectedly and make us think, "Oh my! How could I even think that? That is so horrible!" Or maybe they are so much a part of our "truth" that we do not even think twice about it. I will share some that were deeply engrained in me and I accepted without even realizing I had. 

• Black people like grape things. Similarly, black people like watermelon. (All black people, all the time).  
• All Asians are good at math and science and are at the top of their class. 
• People with nice cars are rich and privileged. People who are rich do not care about anyone but themselves. 
• College is where you go & what you do after you graduate high school. 
• Teachers are always right and know everything you need to know. 
• Devout Catholics are uptight, rigid, and strict. Most Catholics rarely go to church, are kind of wild (prone to drinking, partying, acting out in class, etc.), don't really believe in their religion, and do whatever they want. 
• Women must be proper and polite, respectful, intelligent, and not challenge authority or men. 
• It is not safe to go out at night- there are people with knives and guns, people that want to rape, harm, maim, and kill. Don't go out at night. 
• Gay people are unnatural and are sinners in God's sight. They are grotesque and should not be associated with. 
• It is up to women to uphold their modesty, contemplate their clothing choices, and ward off anything that might make men think bad thoughts or want to take advantage of their body. 
• It is the woman's responsibility to have birth control, safe sex, be in control of her emotions at all times, and always eat chocolate while on her period. 
• Women are more emotional than guys. No matter what. 
• All black males should be considered dangerous. They wear saggy pants and "wife beater" tank tops. They have a lot of kids, but don't want to care for them. They leave women to fend for themselves. 
• Black females want fancy things, always dress nicely and have their nails done, go shopping all the time, and are high maintenance. Also, not to be provoked as they have explosive tempers.
• All red heads are angry and have a lot of freckles.
• Goth people wear all black, are depressed all the time, write poems and listen to heavy metal. 
• Magic is bad. Even the idea of magic. Don't think about magic, don't watch movies or read books that talk about magic. Magic is against Christ and trying to lead you away from Him. 

Those were simply some examples (some slightly exaggerated, but most certainly based off a "truth" I once believed) that I could think of off hand. There are truly ugly things buried down in our conscious and subconscious. Things that upon reflection will be found, that can be carefully removed upon greater exposure to the world and open, honest, and difficult conversations with people and conscientiousness as much as we are humanely capable of. 

    I am not perfect. I never will be. I am still sorting out my bias, my engrained stereotypes, the things I don't like about myself, and the discomfort I feel in particular situations. It is not easy to dissect parts of yourself and take out the faults. Being honest with yourself and with others is a good first step. Enabling yourself to talk to other people, find the "why" behind certain things held as truths and modify them to reflect new truths and ideals. Small, consistent steps are what move people forward. I highly encourage people to put themselves in new situations, new places, and attempt to experience other people's realities as much as possible. I will never know what it is like to be black, Latinx, Asian, or anything other than the mixed heritage white female I am. But I can have sympathy, I can gain empathy, I can listen, I can help establish change. Start with yourself- start the changes within yourself- and then move to changing greater aspects of the world. Let go of bitterness, let go of a single past experience that caused judgement on a whole group of people, let go of the ancient "truths" that are no longer relevant. Change with the times as long as you stay true to core values that are not harmful to yourself or others. Changing must always be done carefully and slowly or it will be for nothing and the change will have to be made again and again, but still may not stick.   

    Here are some additional reflections related more specifically to Martin Luther King Jr. Day and some brief discussion and "professional development" I had within my school district. (Kentwood Public Schools). 

• Dr. King encouraged people to assert their rights by sitting. Not by inaction, but by being extremely conscious of every action and the impact of it. By not taking an eye for an eye, by not becoming violent or creating enemies. But by crafting- literally creating- change. He told his supporters to huddle and crouch, to cover their heads when attacked, not if attacked. He knew undoubtedly that was what would happen: attacks, killing, hurting, and arresting. Even as much as he sought to avoid all of that, he knew that was what would happen to the people he loved. The people he knew and cared for. Even people he did not know, but knew that change had to happen and knew that now was the time. He reminded people that the media was watching, and the media was a powerful tool in helping their cause. 
• Dr. King spoke of, and yearned for, genuine equality. Not just allowing blacks into public areas, gaining treatment that was closer to human, and increased employment and living opportunities. It was not enough to have access to housing, he wanted to have sanitary and safe housing. Jobs that were good and treatment above that of swine. 
• Unconscious bias is expressed automatically (with or without our consent or acknowledgement), and are negative associations that are unknowingly held. Unearthing these can be a first step in destroying them. 
• Phrases such as "well typically" and "science has proved" can be a great general guide, but individuals must always be valued as such. Their actions, education, and treatment cannot be based on prior experiences. 
• Stereotypes can be paraded as truths and we can look for ways to deny or confirm them. I did this for many years before realizing how wrong it was, and how engrained it was within me. 
• Something that should be considered within an educational system is the discrepancies between what an English Language Learner knows in their native language or in English, and their ability level. It is too easy to say that a student is at a certain level. What really needs to be discovered is what they know in either language, how they learn best, and the most effective way to support their learning and basic needs. There can be huge gaps between things that are considered basic knowledge to native English speakers, and things that ELL students may not explicitly be taught. Examples might be days of the week, how to tell time, what part of the envelope a stamp goes on, the names of numbers, the names of months, etc. 
• Something that I love that one of our teachers brought up was "acceptance with conditions". That is, saying or thinking things like, "Oh, I have no problem with gays or lesbians as long as they don't talk about it with me." or maybe "I can work with Black people as long as they pull their weight." or "I can work with her as long as she isn't emotional." These examples all tie acceptability of a situation to something linked to it. Gays and lesbians and whatever other new terms they have these days are fine as long as they stay well enough away from me. I can do this or that as long as it is the way I want. Forget all of that, and just learn to accept, accept without terms and conditions. Accept with love and a desire to improve the world. People who are "different" are often not so, but you will never know if you do not allow closeness to those people. 

    I am so honored, excited, and privileged that I can work at a school (and within a school district) that truly strives to accept everyone and allow them equal access to success. It is so incredible to see so many cultures represented within an elementary school. Someday soon, whites will be the minority within schools and I think I will be well equipped for that day. I hope to be a model of an educator that accepts, loves, and values her students as if they were her own children and wants only the best for them. I can confidently continue my journey in education knowing that I am doing it all for children who are so deserving. Children that I hope can grow up in a society that accepts them no matter what they look like, who/what they believe in, how they dress, or how they speak.     

    

Just give me a minute, I have to find my smile

Just give me a minute
I have to find my smile
so I can put it on for you
///
It is my shield
It covers up all the unpleasant things
The things that everyone wishes didn't exist
The dark places, the deep ravines
Sunshine and sparkles- don't expose the flint and steel
///
If I put my shield down, if I was true to all of me-
you wouldn't like what you see
If you saw my scars, my imperfections
You would not call me "beautiful"
You would have no interest in calling me your "babe"
///
You would be appalled, taken aback
at the real sight of me
I don't mean to hide, but it's just become too easy to keep it all inside
I bottle it up, one day it will burst- until then, though, I'm safely contained
///
If you could see my pain
You wouldn't let my steely blue eyes rest on you too long-
afraid that I might be contagious-
afraid to get too close
///
But that's okay, because the closer you get
the more I hurt
New scars are formed and old ones ache
///
When you leave,
when I leave,
when you have played the game and no longer have use for it,
when you decide that I am not worth your time,
that I am not who you thought I was,
that I am not like your cookie cutter,
I will not be surprised
I will not blame you- how could I?
Why should you be any different than the others?
///
Truth be told, I am coming to expect it
Scars tell stories
and stories always have an end
some end before I want them to
others drag on far too long,
but in the end, nothing is infinite
There is no "infinity and beyond"
Forever is a word and words hurt
///
I hurt.
I feel every little thing that you do to me
The good
The bad
The "just enough to get by"
///
I agonize over you
Over the things you say
the things you do
I cannot turn it off
I cannot control it
These things come and go-
like a hurricane, leaving a trail
///
I glorify you
I wish I had your life, just for a day
I am in awe of you
I want to be like you
You make me want to be more
to do more
But you hurt me. And the cycle continues.
///
I know I should do something
I know the cycle needs to be put to an end
But I don't know how
Some days, I swear I don't know anything
Some days, I am not even sure how I get through
Maybe I am the only thing that's broken
///
If I put down my shield,
would I be done fighting?
Would I be exposed to everything
and not be able to heal from the hurt
///
You reject me
I do not fit in
But I am resilient
I will carry on
I will hide my scars
I will care for you no matter what you do
I will ache when you ache
I will rejoice when you rejoice
But I will always know the end is near
///
"Every end is a new beginning" they say
I do believe it's true
Every time one person walks out
another walks in
"No two people are exactly alike" they say
I know this is true
I know I will never find another you
I do not need another you, though
You left a little piece of you with me,
and I will always have it.
Can't you see it, too?
This one's from you.
///
"I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all" he sang
I sang along with him
I don't want to be numb
I am not dumb
If you feel nothing
perhaps you are nothing.
Pain reminds me that I'm alive
Scars heal
and pain goes away
Pain means you care
and I will always care
///
You can abandon me
but I am the puppy that always returns to you
In good times and bad,
I will be there for you
///
Maybe I will lift my shield
///
Maybe then you could see, that I'm not a mystery
I am just me
I am just bruised, but not broken
///

Seeing a New Dimension, and I'm Not Talking about 3D

Why can't you see the fear in her eyes? Why is she so uncomfortable being in the same room as others? What happened to her that she cannot allow herself to laugh too loud, to smile too much, to say one word too many, to make a joke that everyone finds amusing, to tell something about herself?

She is wearing a mask, that's why. On the surface, she is just a little shy, a little cautious, she doesn't have much to contribute to the conversation- she is a listener not a speaker. But that's not it. She has been hurt too many times before. She panics if someone looks at her too long, if the attention dwells on something she has said or done. She doesn't know what to do- she just wants to hide. If she lets people in, if they see the real her, then they will leave. They always have, they always do. The more people know, the more she has invested in them, once they are gone it just leaves her emptier than she was before. She had too many gaping holes that would not heal, she would simply have to wear her mask and carry on. Yes, she was lonely and she longed for the connection she had had before with others. She had to protect herself though, her life had proven that no one else would. She could only rely on herself.

But she is not just a little too shy, just a little cautious, and she has a heck of a lot to contribute. If only people would stop creating new wounds. If only people could stay in her life. Then she could gain the confidence she needed, she could learn to rely on people again, she could be the joker that she is. She is intelligent, she sees the world in ways that others don't, she solves problems that other people don't even know are issues. She is valuable, she is loving and caring, she is worth sticking around for.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I can't remember the last time that someone complimented me on something besides my looks."

It is something that I'm sure is so familiar to women. It's familiar to me. Is it simply too much to ask to be seen as more than just my features? Could I possibly be more than my blue eyes and blonde hair? Lately, it sure seems like I couldn't be. People see me and they see just another blonde, just another frivolous girl who wants and does what every other girl does.

She's not being nice to that guy- she's flirting with him. She's not friends with that person- she wants something from them. She is just so fake. There's no way she could actually mean what she's saying. She's way too nice, I don't believe her ruse. She cannot be valued for who she is, just what she is. She's that girl that everyone can turn to, but no one can return the favor. She gives other people more significance than herself, because, surely, they have more to offer, they have more worth. They deserve to be first, they need something more than I do, they have had a rough day and mine was just not nearly as bad, I don't have to tell them how I've been. Don't be selfish, they need a friend right now.

When you look at me and only see one dimension of me, it hurts. There is so much more, so much more than one side of someone. So much more than what we can see. They have been hurt, they have scars. They struggle to keep up appearances. They don't know how they'll manage all their bills this month. They don't know if they can take one more lonely day. They need someone to care about them. They need to be seen for who they are.

I know I get fired up when people think that they know me. Even someone who has spent years hanging out with me, talking and just being a friend, can not know me (fully). They know who I am to them, they know how I act and maybe what I like and don't like. But do they know anything deeper than that? Do they know the struggles I've been through, do they know the things that I hold dear, the things that I fear? How could they when no one tries? People are too quick to give up. If you don't want to talk, fine. If you don't want to answer my question, fine. If you don't want to be there for me, fine. If you don't have time, fine. If I'm not a priority, fine. If you only see me at face value, fine. No, it's not fine. It's not okay. We need to be able to form connections with people, real and true connections. Not connections on LinkedIn. Not friends on Facebook. Real, true friendship, where you actually care about a person's well being and are there for them whenever you can be. You can see through their mask, you know about their pain and help them through it. Someone that is the first person you want to go to when you're upset, when you have the most incredible news, when you need advice, or when you just want to talk. People need each other, anyone knows that.

My New Year's Resolution is to do everything possible to be that person, that friend who can be counted on, who can be trusted with anything, who has value and sees value in others. I want to be someone who can see people in a new dimension. She is not just my mom, she is loving, she is caring, she is patient, she is a wife, she is a care giver, she has needs too. He is not just someone I have gotten to know, he is dorky, he is caring, he is hard working, he is determined, he is a neat freak, he is a son, an uncle, a student, a leader, and so much more. There is always so much more. I hope that everyone else can see the importance of having a genuine connection, a real friendship, for seeing someone as they really are. Please, I beg of you, don't be shallow. Recognize that other people are hurting, that they need you in their life, that you're not alone. See beyond the mask, and love the person underneath.    

Let Me Check My Phone

I don't know why it's so hard for people to connect in this day and age. Theoretically, we are more connected today than we have ever been. But, in reality, the world doesn't know how to interact anymore. First of all, there are always distractions. Music, TV, phones, tablets, laptops. Second, we don't know how to survive without our technology. If we had a power outage for more than a day, even more than a few hours, so many of us would be completely lost. I am ashamed to say that I would be too. Sadly, I am as sucked into technology as the rest of us, whether I intend to be or not. It's a habit, it's a dependency, it's a first thought, and a fiftieth thought, and a last thought. Let me check my phone. We need it for this, we need it for that. It's our camera, it's our calendar, it's our entertainment, it's our tool. Anyhow, third, it is simply difficult for people to interact in person. I'm no exception, I'm not trying to say that I'm better than anyone else, I'm trying to express my world view. Today, I was at a restaurant with my family. I was distracted by the TV, the people around me, the music, the decorations. Amidst those distractions though, I noted a young couple (I presume that they were together, at least). So far as I could see from my wandering eyes, the woman was on her phone, the couple ate, and they left. I saw no meaningful interactions, just a convenient way to do something at the same time in the same place. It hurts me to see that people have strayed so far from being able to have conversations, to agree and disagree, to put away their phones and their work life and just to appreciate the person in front of them. I know I take people for granted, I think it's safe to say that we all do. Someday I'm going to turn around and that person that has always been there for me, that person who I love and care about is going to be gone. It doesn't matter what the reason is, it just matters what I did with the time I spent with them. Am I going to be able to look back without regret and see that I cherished our time together or that I should have put my phone down? I should have listened to them, I should have seen their pain, should have supported them, should have been there for them? This is my plea to anyone who reads this, try, just try, to set technology aside and really make time for people. It doesn't matter if it's five minutes a day or 5 hours a day, try to set aside time without your phone or laptop. Make it "me time" or "couple time" or "time to actually be productive" make time without distractions. We're not robots yet, there's still hope for human interactions and relations. Make something tangible and valuable for yourself.

Broken Hearts and Smoking Pipes

I have a few things I would like to share with anyone who might read this.

I'll start with last Friday, September 16th. It was the first day that I was a substitute teacher for the 2016-2017 school year. (It is weird to think about 2017. I still have to remind myself that it's 2016. Time does pass quickly). Anyway, I was a special education parapro for the day, at the junior/senior high school in White Cloud. I had accepted those positions last year- primarily in the elementary school there and at Hesperia as well- and didn't have any problems.

One of the first things that the teacher I was working with said to me was "You're lucky to have gotten my group of kids. This is one of the only special education parapro positions that you should accept. I have a good group of kids." I kindly said that I'm sure they were and I had had special education parapro jobs here last year, at the junior/senior high and at the elementary and did not have any problems. He explained to me (while the students were in their gym free hour) that this year's special education students were incomparable to the previous year's. He informed me that some of these kids are born addicted to drugs. I'll repeat that. There are babies in Newaygo County that are born addicted to drugs. They need to have drugs. Not breast milk or a mother's love- but drugs. The moment I processed those words, my heart just broke. I cannot even imagine. To think that, because of a parent's irresponsible and lack of control, these children's lives are immediately and irreversibly thrown into chaos.

Here is some information on drugs and birth defects, found on the Livestrong website.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/245509-long-term-effects-of-drug-addicted-babies/

"Some drugs more frequently cause birth defects than others, notably alcohol, the most common cause of preventable birth defects in the United States, affecting between 0.5 and two children per thousand births, the Office of the Surgeon General reported in 2005. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome causes facial malformations, learning difficulties, behavioral issues and small stature. Amphetamines, such as Ecstasy, and methamphetamines may cause congenital heart defects, cleft lip and palate or clubfoot in some infants, according to the March of Dimes. Cocaine exposure may cause urinary tract defects."

 "A number of studies indicate that prenatal drug exposure can cause learning disabilities as children grow. A 2002 article in the "Journal of the American Medical Association" by lead author Lynn Singer, Ph.D., of Case Western Reserve University Department of Pediatrics found that cocaine-exposed children were twice as likely to have cognitive delays compared to children not prenatally exposed to cocaine. Children prenatally exposed to heroin may also have long-term learning disabilities, the March of Dimes reports."

I have heard of babies being born addicted to drugs, but knowing that there were students in the very school I was in that were effected by that hit me like a fist. My mind kept returning to that conversation throughout the day. I will have to research the drug addiction and its effects on babies and then the growth and development of the child. It just blows my mind to think about it. That's not to say that I'm surprised by it, I most certainly am not. Especially in low income families in small towns and even in big cities- there are simply a lot of people using drugs. It only makes sense that some of those people are addicted and then end up pregnant. Heck, the drugs probably put them in a situation where they have sex and don't even know/remember it- let alone try to prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections.

Drugs are truly becoming more and more of an issue. People are finding ways to buy prescription drugs, misuse them, and become addicted to them. Even "legal" (depending on your location and definition), drugs- I'm thinking of marijuana- are taking over, and I wouldn't say it's for the better. Yes, marijuana effects everyone a little bit differently, and perhaps it does help medically (I haven't looked into that very much), but I don't believe it's beneficial. It might make you forget your pain, it might temporarily relieve it, once the high wears off though, it's back to square one. Bottom line, more is required, you become addicted. I have seen marijuana "mellow out" many people, they lose motivation, they lose track of time, nothing much really matters anymore or they'll just worry about things later. Slowly their life drifts by them. I have also heard of marijuana making people very angry and just turning them into someone that is the very opposite of who they are when they're clean.

But that was a tangent I didn't intend to get on.

A tangent that I do intend to discuss is the work environment. I have recently started a new job (again). I have had a variety of different jobs, all of them seasonal or short term. I was fired from my last job, I am disappointed to say. (That was going to be my first "real job", that's another story though). As I mentioned, I have had a lot of jobs, for my age, and I have been treated differently in each one. Some good, some bad, some mildly harassed, some mildly appreciated. I have been a number, just another employee. I have been the hardest and most dedicated worker, and I have been the slowest and least appreciated. The management and framework- if you will- of a business/job can truly make a world of a difference. A difference in how you see and value yourself, in your day to day life, and even the goals and desires that you set in your personal life.

One last thing I would like to bring up is friendship. I have wrote about this before, but it something that has a reoccurring importance to me. It is something that in one way or another is a struggle for me. I don't know if it is me, the people I become friends with, or simply a lot of coincidences. Either way, I would like to share some of my thoughts with you. Even if things are going great, and life is really looking up, there can sometimes feel like there is something missing. Upon reflection, one might discover that it is a void created by a lack of companionship, of friendship, of relationships. I have found that to be true for myself, at least. Just today, I was thinking about how difficult it is to be apart from your friends. Or to simply not have friends, for whatever reason that might occur. People need each other. We need someone or something- a pet, even- to come home to. We need a way to just unload, recharge, and refresh ourselves after a long day. We need people to talk to, to socialize with, to share our time with, to form ties with. Friends are people you can go to for advice, shed your frustrations off on, relax and let loose, and people who just know what you need. But what happens when those people are out of reach? Whether they are 10 minutes away or 1,000 miles away; whether it has been a day or years since you have talked. That is the dilemma that I constantly find myself in. Along with having a lot of different jobs, I have moved a lot. I have not had a lot of permanence in my life since I was quite young. That being said, I have a hard time keeping up with my friends or even keeping friends at all. Life simply drags people apart, there is just no avoiding it. (There are certainly ways to prevent it or slow it down, however).

I have found a recurring theme in the majority of my current and past friendships. I am not trying to point fingers, cause shame or regret- I am simply sharing. I can give my time, my emotions, my reliability, and mostly, my heart. But there are times when whatever I do is simply not enough. I will probably never understand why or how. That's just the way it is. Some people, with or without knowing, take and take and are unable to give back in the way we expect or even the way we need them to.

I try to amend broken or forgotten relationships, because it is important to me. There are very few people in the world that are not important to me, even if I don't know them or they are "unworthy". (By that I mean, homeless, poor, arrogant, rich, cruel, etc.). I will make contact with my "forgotten friends", in person if possible, but typically online or via text, Snapchat or other social media. Then previous or even current friend, for whatever reason, doesn't respond and leaves me wondering what I've done to make them not want to talk anymore. I always take it personally, although I know I shouldn't. As I have been reminded, it is not anything I am doing, it's likely not anything I've done, it is probably just the person on the other side of the friendship. Now, again, I would like to pause and remind any readers that I am not trying to bash the people I know or have known, I just want to share. That is always something that I've been good at, and am very willing to do. Also, it is not simply one person that I am writing about, it truly isn't. I have enough grace to not waste anyone's time trying to blame others and subtly, while very harshly, calling them out on their actions. That's not how I am. (Again, not saying that I'm any better than any single person on this entire earth, I know that I'm not). Writing is calming and satisfying to me, as is drawing.

Now that my purpose is- hopefully- clear, I'll continue. I could not tell you if whoever I am trying to rekindle my friendship with has changed, has decided that it is not worth their time to revive a dead friendship, if they're extremely busy, or if someone has caused them not to talk to me. (Perhaps a jealous boyfriend or girlfriend, someone who can't accept that two people can be friends without being frisky, if you will). Additionally, certain people will not change, unless it is of their own accord. If they have decided they don't want to talk for whatever valid reason they have, that's their decision and it could be final. I'm not one to determine if that is a good or bad decision, it is their own choice, as it should be. Determination is such a beautiful and terrifying thing. Once someone has decided it's over, it's over. There is no changing that stubborn mind. There are both pros and cons to this, as I have learned throughout my life. It can be negative when it proves to cause emotional harm to others, sometimes this is unavoidable. (For example, ignoring others or cancelling dates or plans). On that same note, it can be very positive if it means getting oneself out of a harmful relationship, whether it is abusive or simply negatively impacting oneself. The decision to say goodbye permanently and not look back is most certainly a positive one in that case.

I will try to wrap up, since I think I have covered a lot, and nearly finished all I would like to say/write. I would like to encourage anyone who reads this to not give up on others. Unless, of course, this causes harm to yourself. If you have done all you can to help someone, be their friend, or simply show that you know they're human and that you care, and they are not accepting of your efforts, then it is time to drop it. This is something I am still struggling to do myself, but I know in the long run, it is truly what's best, for both myself and the other person. Sometimes, there is just no convincing someone to trust you, be civil, or be a friend. That's just the way it is. There are other people who are more than happy to be a part of your life and who will be there for you, so find those people and stick with them! It's also totally okay to be independent and do things that you want when you want, whether someone else is there or not. It seems like independence can be really frowned upon, as the world seems to want to pair everybody up and convince people that "being alone is terribly sad" or something. But I disagree, and I think more and more people are also finding that being alone can be very satisfying. At least to some extent, and for a certain amount of time. Here are some more cheerleader mottos before I finish up. Don't be afraid of who you are, if you will fit in or not, or if you've let people see too much of you. (I'm not talking physically see too much of you, that is a whole other discussion). I personally have done all of those, and since I've stopped living by my own or society's rules, I am much happier for it. It is not worth it to hold yourself back, or let other people hold you back. It's self destructive and something that you can't reverse years down the road when you realize and regret it.

Another thing, like someone was wisely telling me this morning, don't expect people to always know or do what you want. Try not to set standards for how they should treat you, what they should or should not do around you, or even things you want to do together- go out to eat, go to the movies, spend the whole night talking, etc. If those standards are set, but not met, you are automatically going to be disappointed in that person or whatever it was you had envisioned in your mind to do when you hung out. Disappointment leads to resentment, resentment leads to being jaded. I really like the definition from Urban Dictionary: The end result of having a steady flow of negative experiences, disappointment, and unfulfillment fed into a person where they get to the point where their anger circuits just sort of burn out and they accept disillusionment.

Jaded is most often (that I have heard of, at least), used to refer to people, specifically relationships. I have been jaded towards men, because of situations in my own life. As time has passed, though, I have noticed that bias and seen that it is not true about everyone. Oh goodness, I think that was another tangent. Hmm, anyway, back on track. As I was saying, do whatever possible to not set standards and expectations for things that are out of your control. Jobs, relationships, hanging out, family, food. Anything, really. Now, on the other side of that, I don't want to encourage anyone to go through life without expectations or standards. Just use your judgement on when it is appropriate and when it is not. Positive thinking goes along with that, don't automatically expect that something you are going to do will be awful. The way you think and react to things can completely change the experience you have. Expecting a long wait at a restaurant, expecting the dinner conversation to be awkward at best, expecting the food to be off putting, etc. will most certainly impact how that experience actually is. Like I am sure everyone has heard by now, it's the power of positive thinking. I could keep going about both positive and negative thinking, but I don't want this blog to be 10 pages long, haha! 

Be mindful of others, their situation; your own situation; the way you are perceiving the world; and the way that others perceive or receive you as a person. There are many things beyond your control or influence (children born addicted to drugs, people not accepting you), but don't let those things get you down. There are also so many ways to help, encourage and support the people and world surrounding you. Please, please, don't allow yourself to become jaded or hateful. Yeah, you read this post, so you know how I feel & hopefully remember at least some of what I've said. My desire is that some part of anything that I've wrote sticks with you and can help out in some way.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter" ~Dr. Seuss

The Moral of the Story

                   Today- no, actually, lately- I have been thinking a lot about people and how they have hurt me. I know this isn't healthy, but one cannot always control thoughts and emotions. Today, specifically, I have been thinking about the various guys that have been in my life, and I decided to write something and share with others so that maybe I can help them help themselves. At any rate, writing always brings me clarity and soothes the soul. I'm still not totally sure what I wish to write or to accomplish from writing this, but I think it needs to be done anyway.

               This is going to be difficult to write, but mostly to publicly post, because it exposes a lot that has happened and reveals things that I don't (typically) wish to share. However, I am hoping to inspire others and show that women have undeniable value and must be treasured.

               To say the least, I have been hurt by a lot of people, intentionally and unintentionally. I am not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, (I don't desire sympathy), and I am not saying that I have not hurt others. I know that I have as well- unfortunately- and without meaning to. I am not sure that much can be done about that, though.

Person 1- This was the first, and the person with the most damage, throughout my life. They were supposed to be a big part of my life, and always be there for me. I guess there's not really any point in hiding the identity- it was my dad. Or the person that I considered and called "Dad" up until I started fifth grade. At that point, he perfectly demonstrated that the world is not as it seems, and specifically, people are not who you think they are. He betrayed me, left me, and scarred me in a way no one else could. I knew now (or so I thought), that guys could not be trusted and were all bad guys. I developed a genuine fear of males, of any age. I refused to talk to boys in my grade, I hardly talked to guys that I encountered in my everyday life, and I do believe I even avoided my grandpa for a good while.

        Moral of the Story: Eventually, I realized what I was doing and slowly began to talk to guys and, in general, open myself up a little. I began to notice that not all guys are the same, there are a few, very select few, who are good guys. I became friends with a few guys and began to trust them. Even when people aren't always what they appear to be, not everyone is that way. Everyone deserves a chance, and a second chance. There are going to be a lot of people who hurt you, who you can't trust, who will betray you, but you cannot let that stop you from living your life and moving on to bigger and better things. You can go on without "important people" in your life (aka your dad), because there are other people who care about you more and will not hurt you, and will look out for your best interests no matter what. When one person fails, there will be another person who will not, someone to help you through your pain and to build your trust back up again. This was always family for me, they had my back no matter what. I know that I would not be where I am today, and possibly not here at all, if they had not supported and loved myself, my sisters and mom the way they had. My sisters, mom and I developed a bond that is rare, unique, and cannot be broken, a deep love that connects us all throughout any situation. I did not allow myself to become bitter, to hold others' sins against them. I sin too, and I let people down. Forgive and forget the things that try to taint your goodness. Do not let yourself look back on the past, remembering the hurt, mistrust, and mistakes. The past is for learning from and not repeating mistakes, so leave it at that.

Person 2- This person was patient, kind, quirky, loving, caring, liked to joke around, and we generally got along well. However, he did not give me the attention, time of day, or appreciation that (as told by other people) I deserved. He put many other people and things above myself, and did not try to do things that I enjoyed. There was no point in our relationship.

Moral of the Story: No matter how nice someone is, if they don't give you the attention and appreciation you deserve, you need to break it off. It is simply a waste of your time and will hurt your feelings and theirs as well. Drop the hammer- it will be better for you in the end.

Person 3- I started talking to this person a lot, and we always had good conversations. We quickly became close and developed a trust that was rare for the both of us to employ. We had ups and downs throughout the years, but in the end we would always be there for each other. We liked each other and had toyed with the idea of dating, but there was always something in the way. We encouraged and confided in each other.Somehow we didn't run out of things to say, even though we were quite different and in general, not very talkative.There were times that we would stop talking for a bit, but then pick up right where we left off.  We started talking a lot again after one of these instances, and talked frequently for the next months. On their birthday, I wished that person a happy birthday and have yet to hear from them. This was soon after Person got back together with their ex.

    Moral of the Story: Appreciate friendships while they last, don't hold expectations for them, or overthink them. Friendships come and go, and there may very well be a reason for the specific time that person is in your life. Some people are only there to help you along in your journey, and then pass that duty on to another person. Good things come to an end, but are often replaced by something even better, more than you could have imagined. Don't blame yourself for a "failed" friendship, you are only responsible for what you have done. If someone chooses not to be your friend, don't think of it as some fault of yours. It is simply a conscious or unconscious decision that person has made. Life gets in the way of friendships, and that is just how it is. The sooner anyone comes to terms with this, the easier their life will be.

Person 4- This person and I talked a lot, and were going to go to school together. We met during orientation, and continued talking a lot after that, and after school started, we hung out frequently. It had become clear to me early on that he liked me. Like a lot. Unhealthy a lot. I brushed this off, and told him I didn't like him, and told our mutual friends to make sure he knew that. They were not helpful, and tried to push us together. I did what I could to stop this, but it seemed all attempts were in vain. He wanted to spend all his time with me, he wanted to help me with this or that, he wanted to go to the movies or to go do whatever. His personality type did not take no for an answer, so begrudgingly I went along with this- trying to get other friends to go with me. Now, don't get me wrong, he is a really nice, caring, compassionate, helpful, smart, rich, studious person and any girl should be grateful that he was interested in her. His affections just happened to fall on me, however. He would try to make moves on me, but I managed to refute them. Finally, he understood that I really didn't like him, and just wanted his friendship. He was absolutely crushed (I have rarely felt this terrible about anything), and then pretty much hated me. At least for a little while, then he said he forgave me and could talk if we wanted to...

Moral of the Story: Often, other people can see so much more in you than you can, this can be both good and bad. Good when it is family, or a trustworthy friend. Bad when it turns into an affection that borderlines obsession, and they are unable to see your faults, or anything outside of what they wish to see. While it is nice to be appreciated and "loved" there are limits to this. Remember your limits and don't be one of those people who becomes obsessed with someone. Everyone has faults, everyone will let you down at least once (not always on purpose), people simply are not perfect. Don't allow yourself to think of someone that way, it is not healthy and you will just find yourself disappointed. Putting a blind fold on is not a good idea.

Person 5- This person I met at orientation, and we talked a lot from that point on. He likes to joke around, is kind, compassionate, caring, loves sports, wants to help others, listens, and in general is a good guy. He went to church with his family, and had morals. We hung out a lot, and we began to like each other. We started dating, and things went well for the month we were together. He treated me well, was kind to others, cared what I had to say, and listened. Things were going pretty well, if you asked me. Spring break hit, and we went separate ways- geographically, that is. After we got back, we hung out, it was our one month anniversary. Shortly afterwards, he said he wanted to talk. He proceeded to break up with me, (over Facebook) offering a very vague explanation.
Val this isn't working out, I don't have time for anything or anyone right now, I'm having family issues, I'm just not happy, and I don't know why, I think we need time apart, I'm really not trying to hurt you, you are an amazing, beautiful person, but I just need to be alone and figure myself, if not I'm gonna start hurting everyone else around me, including you, this is really hard for me, but it has to be this way. I can't be there for you the way I would want to, and that's on me , not you, I'm sorry
So there goes another relationship. We talked a bit after that, but then there was just not much of a reason to.

Moral of the Story: I'll use a few quotes for this one. "You have the right to leave someone. But tell them why, because nothing is more painful than knowing you're not worth an explanation." Also: "The Illuminati: Sometimes you need to be alone, in order to find out who you really are and what you really want." Sometimes, timing is very important, and in this case, the timing was off. I do not regret the time we shared together, and he was a good guy. I guess there was just a lot that he needed to figure out and didn't need my help to do so. It took me a while to realize that his decision was not a reflection of myself, or that I simply wasn't good enough for him. His decision was his decision, and now I know that it was better to have ended then rather than down the road. I do not need someone to complete me, and he did not need someone to complete him. You must figure out who you are and what you want before you can begin to share that with someone else. Finding contentment in yourself is the first step to having a next step with someone else. Taking time for yourself is important in any and all stages of your life.

Person 6- This person has impacted me a lot, and is my primary reason for writing this. We were together for nine months, and a lot happened during that time. Looking back, I can see all kinds of warning signs and things that were simply very wrong. Like usual, at the time, I was very content and thought the world of him. I did find faults in him, but like anyone else in my life, I needed to accept and look past them. We studied together, shared meals together, went to the movies, spent holidays together... He was persistent, and even if I didn't want to do something, we would anyway. He knew what was best for me. During the summer we were apart, and that's really when trouble began to brew. He revealed himself to be a liar, racist, someone who used me, put me down a lot, didn't appreciate what I did for him or for us. He thought I was overly emotional, overreacted to everything, and took life too seriously. He was very dramatic, put minimal effort into everything he did, accepted failure as fate, and doubted what I told him. I trusted him and spent a lot of time with him, time I should have been focused on school or spending with other people, or exploring the world around me. Instead, I let him slowly take over my life and did not think anything of it. No matter what I did, it was not good enough. I would make meals, or pie or dessert, and there would be something missing or something wrong with it. I bought off brand Lucky Charms one time, and I heard a five minute speech about how terrible that was.(It was going into a pie, not intended for breakfast). Every little thing was analyzed and criticized, but never found to meet his standards. He said and did what he wanted, regardless of consequences or how it might effect others.

A while ago I wrote about the incident:
I had not had time to dwell on him, but my mind demanded I do so now. Tall, warm, funny, unpredictable Person. I had never met anyone like him, and doubted I ever would again. However, my heart was breaking at the thought of him. What had happened in our nine months together was so incredible, so unexplainable, and now, so painful.

I thought of how much each of us had put into the relationship. All that had been shared, become routine, all he knew about me and all I knew about him. All the times he had comforted me through my tears, and found solutions to stress and problems. How I told him all about my day, and that he was my best friend at the time.

I was now able to get a little perspective. I understood now what my parents and friends could see as outsiders looking in. He was strong-willed, stubborn, could only have his way and do things the way he liked and on his own time. He hadn't respected or appreciated my independence and hard work, how I tried so very hard to make everything perfect. He didn't see or care how much I sacrificed to spend time with him, to be with him in the first place. As long as he had gotten what he wanted out of the relationship, that was enough. There was more, so much more, that flooded my thoughts. Both good times and bad, kind words and times he had completely ignored me, times he had swept me off my feet and times he had trampled me beneath them. Each thought, each memory, every word that came to mind, bombarded me, assaulting and confusing me. How much was truth, had he actually loved and cared for me or was that another front? What did he actually think of me? How had I not seen through his lies? What was I thinking? But, mostly, I thought of all the things that I could not take back. My heart had been damaged, and would never be quite like it was before all of this. Yet again, my trust in men had been shattered. Another point for the bad guys.

     Moral of the Story: You are good enough. You are beautiful and wonderful and have infinite value. Sometimes, no matter what you do, it is not going to be enough for someone else. That's okay, that's their problem, not yours. You are not at fault, you don't need to feel guilty or ashamed. You are who you are, and if that's not okay for someone, then they don't need to be a part of your life. Even when we do things that we regret, there is no taking it back, no matter how much we wish or hope to. No matter how much we think about it. It's okay to not be strong, to be upset and to cry. Life still goes on, though, and the hard times will strengthen you in the long run. There is always something to learn from a mistake or difficult time.

You decide how you want to be treated, and accept nothing less. DO NOT SETTLE!! Ever. Period. End of story. This never, ever ends well. Do not forget that. The opinions of your family or friends is important, and should, in the least, be considered. Not pushed aside yet not the sole factor on any decisions you make. Opinions are opinions, not the whole story, they are thoughts based on a variety of things. Yet they are still thoughts.

Person 7- We became close, over an extensive period of time, and began to talk about the possibility of dating. We were unsure that it would work out, but we had not decided against it. We had been talking a lot- via text, as we were a considerable distance apart and not able to see each other at the moment. We had also tentatively planned to visit each other after the summer was over, and we went back to school.
Then one day:

Me: :) Yay, that's good news!! So what's been going on with you?? 10:12 PM

 Well workin a lot. Just got an amazing gf actually. I'm gunna see her Tuesday. That's about it. 10:14 PM

Me: Well you usually do work a lot. Um really?? Since when?? 10:15 PM

 Yeah. A couple days ago. I woulda told ya sooner but I was workin 10:17 PM

Me: Okay. Well thanks for informing me. How did you meet her? 10:18 PM

 You don't seem to happy about this news? I met her through work. 10:30 PM

Me: Um sorry do you want me to be? Bc I was under the impression that you wanted to date me. So there is that. But sorry, I'll be more excited next time! 10:31 PM

 We were talking about it. I didn't think anything was set in stone. I wasn't really looking for anyone else but ended up meeting her. 10:33 PM

Me: Well I guess I am happy for you then. If that's what you want. I want what's best for you, and I want you to be happy! 10:34 PM

 I guess I'm not sure what to say val 10:35 PM

Me: I'm not sure either. 10:37 PM

 I guess I'll just talk to you in a couple days then. Night val 10:38 PM

Me: Ignoring me is not the solution. I still want to talk to you!! But goodnight! 10:40 PM

 (Also, on a fun side note, I didn't know gf were available at stores! Good news, apparently so! "Just got an amazing gf". Gf could easily be replaced by fish, bike, dog, cat, phone, etc...) Anyhow...
So, I was a bit blindsided. But, a close friend is still a close friend. We were able to move on from that and maintain our friendship.

Moral of the Story: Sometimes people don't understand how their actions can effect you. Talk is just talk, it doesn't become meaningful until it turns into action. People do not think the same way, certain things mean different things to people, and you cannot fault them for that. People have to come to their own conclusions and do what they find to be best for them at the time. As long as they are happy, that is the important thing- what they decide to do does not have to hurt you. Only if you let it hurt you, you are in control of your attitude about life and (for the most part) your emotions. People can only hurt you if you let them.

Person 8- We were very close at the time- we talked a lot, and went to school together. This person liked me, but liked about 3 other women at the same time. He was very confused about women, and didn't know what he wanted, what he liked or didn't like. But, that is besides the point. He would make sexual remarks about me, hinting that he wanted to be more than just friends. I did not feel the same way, and tried to make this clear. After such attempts, he would back off for a while, and our friendship resumed. Once, he asked me out. I said no- I didn't think it would work out and was not attracted to him in that manner. Later he said that he was just kidding. Once again, moved on from that. Eventually, he returned to subtle sexual remarks, and wanted more than friendship. Person stopped being there for me and genuinely caring about what was going on with me, and became more and more shallow. Our friendship slowly deteriorated...

Moral of the Story: Guys are sexual beings. To certain degrees, this can't be helped. This is not, however, a write off for being crude, making disrespectful or sexual remarks, or making moves on women that are not interested- or are, but without their permission. Every woman needs to decide her boundaries, expectations, limits and standards for men, whether they are a boyfriend, friend, stranger, or co-worker. Women Everyone should be treated with respect, equality, and consideration. An attraction is not a justification. It's not always logical, it's not always mutual. That is simply how it is sometimes.

Person 9- Said what he needed to say to get what he wanted. Feigned interest in me and what I had to say, to get what he actually wanted. Once I realized this and denied him what he wanted, he was rude and later on, persistently tried to talk to me again and get what he wanted. He thought women were to be used and abused, as he saw fit. He thought that whatever stereotypes he perceived to be true, were, and upon finding this false, took it out on others. (If this is too elusive, I talked to a guy at my school, became acquainted. Once. when we were hanging out, he started making out with me. He then eluded that it would be more comfortable on his bed- if you know what I mean. I got out of there as quick as I could and did not talk to him again.)
       Moral of the story: You are not just something to be used, not something to fulfill someone else's desires. You are a person and there is so much more to you than what meets the eye. You have a personality, goals, and do not exist for someone else's purpose. Someone with bad intentions is just that- someone with ulterior motives who doesn't care about or for you. So why should you care what they think?? That's easy! You shouldn't- they do not deserve to be a part of your life, your time, or your thoughts. Learn your lesson and move on.

           Once again, I hope that this reminds someone of how important they are, how wonderful they are, and how they should be treated. I am not trying to point fingers at guys, I just want to share some of the things that have happened to me. As I said before, I know I am not perfect, I am at fault too. There is always two sides to everything. I want people to see the "bad" situation and then be able to see the good out of it, the Moral of the Story.

... UNFINISHED!....

So, I wrote this a while ago. I didn't finish it, but as I was reading it, I figured I better just publish it. I enjoyed reading it, and I think others will also. Here it is:

Time for a new blog!! :)

I was thinking, (like I often do, haha) and this is what came out of that thought...

What is a day? What is today? Why does a day matter? What/how do we makes it matter? Among other things.

I don't know the real answer to those questions, but I have my answer. So, here's what I think. A day is only meaningful if we make it meaningful. I was thinking the above questions while looking at things in my mom's room; and days, things, pets, life, and other things are only pleasing if that is the way you think/feel about them. For instant, your sister's favorite blanket probably doesn't mean anything to you, but to her it means a lot! Security, warmth, comfort, home, love, mommy/daddy, and whatever else makes a child want their "blankey." But, once again, their blanket doesn't mean anything (more than likely,) to you, you'd just as soon dispose/"lose"/wash it as they'd carry it around with them. Another example, a suicidal person places no value on their life, they don't deem it worthwhile, but other people might see a thousand reasons for them to live, and enjoy their life. It is all about perspective. (Tell me if I'm wrong about any of this, I love to hear from you!!) Even to your closest friend something that is so important to you is (might be) insignificant to them. A day- 24 hours. Let's try to imagine a day in various people's lives. Like a whole bunch of mini stories!

The suicidal person:

24 hours of (some or many of them,) hate, abuse, mistrust, failure, depression, lonliness, numbness, (a carefree attitude which is really just numbness,) drunkenness, looking in the mirror and seeing someone ugly, unrecognizable, inhuman, a defect, a deformity, freak, monster... (Possibly many others, many only a few of these.)

You go to work- a crappy McDonald's job that pays just above minimum wage, no one appreciates, even acknowledges you-or if they do they don't realize what you're feeling inside, they can't even begin to help you out of your mess- you mess up-great, another mistake, why don't I just call it quits tonight, maybe it'll work this time- lunch is the same monotonous obstacle, disappointment, letdown, disaster; you head to your table in the darkest corner, the one where the bulb went out and hasn't been fixed, sit down, and eat your wheat bread with meat and cheese. You can hardly bear to eat, everything just disgusts you so! You throw away the rest of your pitiful lunch. The next four and a half hours drag on, but finally you can go home. You've been thinking about the end of it all ever since that big blunder at the office. Home. There is no one and nothing to greet you. No significant other, no dog/cat, that had never worked out. Your home is a dark, dreary hideout, where you can do whatever you want; because no one else cares. You grab a beer from the cheap fridge you'd bother to buy. Beers made everything less. They helped! You sink, literally, into your threadbare loveseat, (there is no one to love here,) to finish you beer. Your plan is fully devised. Time to put it into action. Afterall, actions speak louder than words. That's the end of your story, forever.

The happy, go-lucky:

The sun leaks warmly onto your soft pillow. It is a bright and beautiful day. Time to get up, afterall, the sun is up! Time to go to work! You turn off your alarm, who needs them anyway, and rise and shine! Wednesday, one of my favorites! You pour yourself a heaping bowl of your favorite cereal, and finish eating and getting ready. You drive what other people consider an old, ugly car, but you couldn't love it more! Your just above minimum wage job leaves no room for luxury, but you don't mind! The restaurant is teeming with busy people, already, and you are anxious to join them! Although you are only a waiter, and get lousy tips, you enjoy your job. You put on the rest of your uniform and head out to the early-birds! "Hello! May I take your order?" You ask cheerfully every time you serve a customer. It is especially pleasant seeing all the patrons again. Wow! Luch time already? You take pride in making a different lunch everyday (for the week,) on your small budget.

Getting Close to the Finish Line!!

Well, as of today, I have one more week at Sweet Dreams bakery. I can't believe its already been almost 3 months! I am going to miss everyone so much!! :( Especially Amal Fruit!!

Today I had a first! :) I got to dip the Sweet Dreams Special, the Chocolate Cascade, and the Double Chocolate bite size for Salmina. I dipped so many of the Sweet Dreams! It was at least 7 sheet trays, each tray has to have between 50-117. 117 fit on the tray when they are paper lined and ready for garnish. I think there must only be around 50-80 when they are first being dipped though. Anyway, I did 7 trays or so of the Sweet Dreams, then 3 of the Double Chocolate, and 2 of the Chocolate Cascade. The Sweet Dreams is a chocolate cake base, raspberry mousse filling, and dark chocolate dipped. Double Chocolate is chocolate cake and chocolate mousse, then dark chocolate dipped. The Chocolate Cascade is a white cake base, chocolate mousse, and covered in dark chocolate



My very last Tuesday at Sweet Dreams Bakery~ May 19th:

I dipped more of the Sweet Dreams Special, and the Double Chocolate. I did 5 trays of each, and Salmina said today that there are 100 bite size on each tray. So that means (with a little simple math), that I dipped 1,000 bite size. I have 500 to dip of the Chocolate Cascade and also Amal Fruit asked me to make twenty 9" and twenty 6" Dynasty. I worked with Mona after I finished dipping with Salmina though- so I didn't get to finish (or start) either. I helped Mona re-arrange in the freezer- that is always on the agenda when I work with her- we assembled Carrot Cake and put them away for later. Then we cleaned and I mopped. Before we went home, she gave me a Snicker's Ice Cream Bar, and we sat down and relaxed. Those are really delicious by the way!

Oh, also of note, Chad, Saad, and later Fabiola and Erika were in the warehouse area, way up near the ceiling putting boxes up there for storage. There were SO many boxes just lying against the wall uselessly, so now they will be collecting dust up there instead. It should free up a lot of space. It was very unusual to look over and see them walking around, almost like they were floating. But they were having fun with it! Like everyone at Sweet Dreams does with their jobs! :)

Things are Good :)

This week went by pretty fast! It's hard to believe it's already Saturday again, and also it's May 2nd! Time goes by way too quickly, if ya ask me!

Anyway, I'll give you the low down of my Saturday:
I made 52 Chocolate Cannoli

Then I was off to work with Mona, just like she said we would two weeks ago or whatever it was. :) We spent a lot of time in the freezer at first, goodness it's cold in there!! I mean, obviously it is, and it needs to be, but brrrrrrr!! Talk about a cold shoulder! :P haha! Anyway, she iced the 6" Carrot Cakes, then I put the walnuts along the sides. After we finished that, we transferred 9" chocolate cakes- again from the icy freezer- and got them ready to be iced at a later time. We also de-panned, cut, stacked, and put in the freezer, 2 garbage cans full (don't worry, they're clean and only used for cakes/pans!) of 9" vanilla cakes. On Tuesday we'll transform them into White Alaska cakes! :)

We also worked with fondant for a little bit, she showed me how to knead it, color it, and roll it. I had done this 2-3 times at JWU, but was very welcome for the review!

Then we called it a day! :)

I went to Meijer later and this guy randomly started talking to me, He was asking me different things, and told me he was new to Detroit. He wanted me to go bowling or do this or that, show him around Detroit area or whatever. It was kind of weird, but refreshing to be able to talk to someone, and he was fun to talk to! But yeah, I'll stick with Robert over random late 30s guys at Meijer! :P Anyhow, that was my interesting tidbit for the night!

Wednesday, May 6th
Tuesday I worked with Mona, we made White Alaska and Double chocolate cakes, arranged and re-arranged things in the freezer, cleaned up and mopped the warehouse. Oh, and we made flowers out of ribbon for Amal's niece's wedding on Sunday. She really liked them and was pretty excited for the wedding. (I guess it's at her house, or a bridal shower is, or something like that...) Then I assembled thirty 9" Dynasty cakes, Chad helped me towards the end because it was getting later and we were one of the last ones to leave. I took care of Steve's cakes, stacked them up and put them in the freezer too.

Today I made the Fruit Flan, then packaged those and the cheesecake. Then I assembled thirty 6" Dynasty cakes. After I finished those, I frosted the 9" Dynasty from yesterday, then frosted the 6" cakes. That took most of the day. I also put away Steve's cakes for him, and whipped some chocolate buttercream for the Death by Chocolate Cakes Amal was working on. I am truly going to miss Amal a lot, today she was saying how much she loved me and she even cleaned up where I had made a mess of my frosting area! She said she never does that, and I don't blame her! She is always so sweet to me, she made two batches of whipped cream for me too! It is so very upsetting though, I know she is unhappy, she says it at least once a week. Today she told me about one of the girls that worked in the store front at Orchard Lake, 3 or 4 months ago. She was 21 or so, smart, pretty, and well liked from what Amal said. I guess one day she didn't show up to work, and that was very unusual, since she was usually punctual. Later, they found out that she had committed suicide. She laid on Interstate 696 (busy highway) around 8 am and was run over. Probably again and again. I just cannot imagine what makes someone want to do that. Amal said she had thought about it though, that there is just no point/pleasure in her life. She just has to work to survive and doesn't want to work. I think people just get hopeless and stuck in a rut, and become unhappy. Or maybe they just need a little Jesus in their life! Things have never really been "easy" for me, but I have been able to make the best of nearly everything, and learn to be content no matter what happens.
Anyway, I guess Detroit (metro Detroit) is just depressing! Who knows. But internship was good, even though I was pretty out of it and think my allergies are acting up. Or I'm getting sick. :/  

Week 8 I guess it is. It's almost May!! :o

Today was a very good and interesting day!! :)

When I first came in, Salmina had me put the candied lemon on the Lemon Bite Size.

Then I made 3 trays of Fruit Flan.

Then I had to go see what the party near Steve's work station was all about! Amal Fruit, Saad, Amal S., and Erika were all in and out of there. Well... the big fuss was.... ladyfingers!! To all the non-Culinary/Baking people, I do not mean literal fingers. Or ladies, for that matter. :P Lol! I mean the soft, light strip shaped cakes that are used for Tirimisu and garnishes. I have been wondering whether Sweet Dreams makes or buys their Ladyfingers, but hadn't asked anyone yet. I'm happy to report that they are 100% homemade, that's one of the many things I love about the bakery!! :) First, Steve whipped a mixture of what I have to guess to be egg yolk, leavening, and sugar. (I did not see him putting the ingredients in, only mixing it with one of the big mixers.) After that was fluffy and yellow, and looked similar to the vanilla cake batter, Amal Fruit distributed it into the large bowls. Then the meringue was whipped- this time with sugar, not the citric acid stabilizer. Before the meringue was folded in though, I added the flour to the bowls, and then Steve folded it all together. He used just his cupped hand to fold it all together, which I thought was interesting! He said something about how "the Chinese can use the hand as a knife, but they couldn't cut this tomato... Introducing the (something or other) 5000" I don't know if it was just a joke, or a commercial or what, it was kind of amusing though. Then Amal Fruit dumped the batter into the batter depositor machine, which Amal S. was putting sheets through and operating. Then Erika was sifting the confectioner's sugar over the top of them, and putting them on one of the large speed racks, which would later be rolled into the "walk in" oven and baked to light, golden perfection. :)

After I watched that process for a little bit, Amal Fruit said that she needed me to make 20 of the 6" Oreo Delight cakes, and 15 of the 9". So I started on those, de-panning them, using the machine to slice them, setting them up, filling them with whipped cream and crushed Oreo bits, layering them together, and then frosting them with whipped cream. Rolo put the dark chocolate shavings around them, and the Oreo bits on the top to identify it. That was the last of my duties for the day. I assembled the 6" cakes, but will frost them tomorrow.

Amal is so precious! I'm really glad I got to work with her again today! :) She is so sweet! She shared some orange with me, and made whipped cream (it's a blend of cream and non-dairy base), and said she loved me a lot because she never does either of those things for anyone else. I just got kind of shy like I do, but smiled and said something like "aww, thanks!" :D Anyway, I know we will both miss each other when I leave. Well, if I leave. Yesterday I had an interview with Jason from Camp Matoaka about the Head of Culinary Arts position- he said they would give me an answer by the end of the week. He was a little concerned about my lack of experience with groups of girls and being able to keep them in line and also living with them, and what not. We'll see what happens there. Today I talked to Sam with Tripp Lake about a baking position, she didn't say much about the job or camp, she wanted to ask more about my application and asked for a reference from JWU. Tripp Lake would be more large scale though, I think she said 300-500 people per meal. That could be a stressful challenge, but also a really great experience and fun! Also, I know Salmina wants me to stay on, and I really do love the bakery and everyone that works there! It is nice having options, but it is kind of stressing me out too. All will be well though! :)