I have a few things I would like to share with anyone who might read this.
I'll start with last Friday, September 16th. It was the first day that I was a substitute teacher for the 2016-2017 school year. (It is weird to think about 2017. I still have to remind myself that it's 2016. Time does pass quickly). Anyway, I was a special education parapro for the day, at the junior/senior high school in White Cloud. I had accepted those positions last year- primarily in the elementary school there and at Hesperia as well- and didn't have any problems.
One of the first things that the teacher I was working with said to me was "You're lucky to have gotten my group of kids. This is one of the only special education parapro positions that you should accept. I have a good group of kids." I kindly said that I'm sure they were and I had had special education parapro jobs here last year, at the junior/senior high and at the elementary and did not have any problems. He explained to me (while the students were in their gym free hour) that this year's special education students were incomparable to the previous year's. He informed me that some of these kids are born addicted to drugs. I'll repeat that. There are babies in Newaygo County that are born addicted to drugs. They need to have drugs. Not breast milk or a mother's love- but drugs. The moment I processed those words, my heart just broke. I cannot even imagine. To think that, because of a parent's irresponsible and lack of control, these children's lives are immediately and irreversibly thrown into chaos.
Here is some information on drugs and birth defects, found on the Livestrong website.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/245509-long-term-effects-of-drug-addicted-babies/
I have heard of babies being born addicted to drugs, but knowing that there were students in the very school I was in that were effected by that hit me like a fist. My mind kept returning to that conversation throughout the day. I will have to research the drug addiction and its effects on babies and then the growth and development of the child. It just blows my mind to think about it. That's not to say that I'm surprised by it, I most certainly am not. Especially in low income families in small towns and even in big cities- there are simply a lot of people using drugs. It only makes sense that some of those people are addicted and then end up pregnant. Heck, the drugs probably put them in a situation where they have sex and don't even know/remember it- let alone try to prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections.
Drugs are truly becoming more and more of an issue. People are finding ways to buy prescription drugs, misuse them, and become addicted to them. Even "legal" (depending on your location and definition), drugs- I'm thinking of marijuana- are taking over, and I wouldn't say it's for the better. Yes, marijuana effects everyone a little bit differently, and perhaps it does help medically (I haven't looked into that very much), but I don't believe it's beneficial. It might make you forget your pain, it might temporarily relieve it, once the high wears off though, it's back to square one. Bottom line, more is required, you become addicted. I have seen marijuana "mellow out" many people, they lose motivation, they lose track of time, nothing much really matters anymore or they'll just worry about things later. Slowly their life drifts by them. I have also heard of marijuana making people very angry and just turning them into someone that is the very opposite of who they are when they're clean.
But that was a tangent I didn't intend to get on.
A tangent that I do intend to discuss is the work environment. I have recently started a new job (again). I have had a variety of different jobs, all of them seasonal or short term. I was fired from my last job, I am disappointed to say. (That was going to be my first "real job", that's another story though). As I mentioned, I have had a lot of jobs, for my age, and I have been treated differently in each one. Some good, some bad, some mildly harassed, some mildly appreciated. I have been a number, just another employee. I have been the hardest and most dedicated worker, and I have been the slowest and least appreciated. The management and framework- if you will- of a business/job can truly make a world of a difference. A difference in how you see and value yourself, in your day to day life, and even the goals and desires that you set in your personal life.
One last thing I would like to bring up is friendship. I have wrote about this before, but it something that has a reoccurring importance to me. It is something that in one way or another is a struggle for me. I don't know if it is me, the people I become friends with, or simply a lot of coincidences. Either way, I would like to share some of my thoughts with you. Even if things are going great, and life is really looking up, there can sometimes feel like there is something missing. Upon reflection, one might discover that it is a void created by a lack of companionship, of friendship, of relationships. I have found that to be true for myself, at least. Just today, I was thinking about how difficult it is to be apart from your friends. Or to simply not have friends, for whatever reason that might occur. People need each other. We need someone or something- a pet, even- to come home to. We need a way to just unload, recharge, and refresh ourselves after a long day. We need people to talk to, to socialize with, to share our time with, to form ties with. Friends are people you can go to for advice, shed your frustrations off on, relax and let loose, and people who just know what you need. But what happens when those people are out of reach? Whether they are 10 minutes away or 1,000 miles away; whether it has been a day or years since you have talked. That is the dilemma that I constantly find myself in. Along with having a lot of different jobs, I have moved a lot. I have not had a lot of permanence in my life since I was quite young. That being said, I have a hard time keeping up with my friends or even keeping friends at all. Life simply drags people apart, there is just no avoiding it. (There are certainly ways to prevent it or slow it down, however).
I have found a recurring theme in the majority of my current and past friendships. I am not trying to point fingers, cause shame or regret- I am simply sharing. I can give my time, my emotions, my reliability, and mostly, my heart. But there are times when whatever I do is simply not enough. I will probably never understand why or how. That's just the way it is. Some people, with or without knowing, take and take and are unable to give back in the way we expect or even the way we need them to.
I try to amend broken or forgotten relationships, because it is important to me. There are very few people in the world that are not important to me, even if I don't know them or they are "unworthy". (By that I mean, homeless, poor, arrogant, rich, cruel, etc.). I will make contact with my "forgotten friends", in person if possible, but typically online or via text, Snapchat or other social media. Then previous or even current friend, for whatever reason, doesn't respond and leaves me wondering what I've done to make them not want to talk anymore. I always take it personally, although I know I shouldn't. As I have been reminded, it is not anything I am doing, it's likely not anything I've done, it is probably just the person on the other side of the friendship. Now, again, I would like to pause and remind any readers that I am not trying to bash the people I know or have known, I just want to share. That is always something that I've been good at, and am very willing to do. Also, it is not simply one person that I am writing about, it truly isn't. I have enough grace to not waste anyone's time trying to blame others and subtly, while very harshly, calling them out on their actions. That's not how I am. (Again, not saying that I'm any better than any single person on this entire earth, I know that I'm not). Writing is calming and satisfying to me, as is drawing.
Now that my purpose is- hopefully- clear, I'll continue. I could not tell you if whoever I am trying to rekindle my friendship with has changed, has decided that it is not worth their time to revive a dead friendship, if they're extremely busy, or if someone has caused them not to talk to me. (Perhaps a jealous boyfriend or girlfriend, someone who can't accept that two people can be friends without being frisky, if you will). Additionally, certain people will not change, unless it is of their own accord. If they have decided they don't want to talk for whatever valid reason they have, that's their decision and it could be final. I'm not one to determine if that is a good or bad decision, it is their own choice, as it should be. Determination is such a beautiful and terrifying thing. Once someone has decided it's over, it's over. There is no changing that stubborn mind. There are both pros and cons to this, as I have learned throughout my life. It can be negative when it proves to cause emotional harm to others, sometimes this is unavoidable. (For example, ignoring others or cancelling dates or plans). On that same note, it can be very positive if it means getting oneself out of a harmful relationship, whether it is abusive or simply negatively impacting oneself. The decision to say goodbye permanently and not look back is most certainly a positive one in that case.
I will try to wrap up, since I think I have covered a lot, and nearly finished all I would like to say/write. I would like to encourage anyone who reads this to not give up on others. Unless, of course, this causes harm to yourself. If you have done all you can to help someone, be their friend, or simply show that you know they're human and that you care, and they are not accepting of your efforts, then it is time to drop it. This is something I am still struggling to do myself, but I know in the long run, it is truly what's best, for both myself and the other person. Sometimes, there is just no convincing someone to trust you, be civil, or be a friend. That's just the way it is. There are other people who are more than happy to be a part of your life and who will be there for you, so find those people and stick with them! It's also totally okay to be independent and do things that you want when you want, whether someone else is there or not. It seems like independence can be really frowned upon, as the world seems to want to pair everybody up and convince people that "being alone is terribly sad" or something. But I disagree, and I think more and more people are also finding that being alone can be very satisfying. At least to some extent, and for a certain amount of time. Here are some more cheerleader mottos before I finish up. Don't be afraid of who you are, if you will fit in or not, or if you've let people see too much of you. (I'm not talking physically see too much of you, that is a whole other discussion). I personally have done all of those, and since I've stopped living by my own or society's rules, I am much happier for it. It is not worth it to hold yourself back, or let other people hold you back. It's self destructive and something that you can't reverse years down the road when you realize and regret it.
Another thing, like someone was wisely telling me this morning, don't expect people to always know or do what you want. Try not to set standards for how they should treat you, what they should or should not do around you, or even things you want to do together- go out to eat, go to the movies, spend the whole night talking, etc. If those standards are set, but not met, you are automatically going to be disappointed in that person or whatever it was you had envisioned in your mind to do when you hung out. Disappointment leads to resentment, resentment leads to being jaded. I really like the definition from Urban Dictionary: The end result of having a steady flow of negative experiences, disappointment, and unfulfillment fed into a person where they get to the point where their anger circuits just sort of burn out and they accept disillusionment.
Jaded is most often (that I have heard of, at least), used to refer to people, specifically relationships. I have been jaded towards men, because of situations in my own life. As time has passed, though, I have noticed that bias and seen that it is not true about everyone. Oh goodness, I think that was another tangent. Hmm, anyway, back on track. As I was saying, do whatever possible to not set standards and expectations for things that are out of your control. Jobs, relationships, hanging out, family, food. Anything, really. Now, on the other side of that, I don't want to encourage anyone to go through life without expectations or standards. Just use your judgement on when it is appropriate and when it is not. Positive thinking goes along with that, don't automatically expect that something you are going to do will be awful. The way you think and react to things can completely change the experience you have. Expecting a long wait at a restaurant, expecting the dinner conversation to be awkward at best, expecting the food to be off putting, etc. will most certainly impact how that experience actually is. Like I am sure everyone has heard by now, it's the power of positive thinking. I could keep going about both positive and negative thinking, but I don't want this blog to be 10 pages long, haha!
Be mindful of others, their situation; your own situation; the way you are perceiving the world; and the way that others perceive or receive you as a person. There are many things beyond your control or influence (children born addicted to drugs, people not accepting you), but don't let those things get you down. There are also so many ways to help, encourage and support the people and world surrounding you. Please, please, don't allow yourself to become jaded or hateful. Yeah, you read this post, so you know how I feel & hopefully remember at least some of what I've said. My desire is that some part of anything that I've wrote sticks with you and can help out in some way.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter" ~Dr. Seuss
I'll start with last Friday, September 16th. It was the first day that I was a substitute teacher for the 2016-2017 school year. (It is weird to think about 2017. I still have to remind myself that it's 2016. Time does pass quickly). Anyway, I was a special education parapro for the day, at the junior/senior high school in White Cloud. I had accepted those positions last year- primarily in the elementary school there and at Hesperia as well- and didn't have any problems.
One of the first things that the teacher I was working with said to me was "You're lucky to have gotten my group of kids. This is one of the only special education parapro positions that you should accept. I have a good group of kids." I kindly said that I'm sure they were and I had had special education parapro jobs here last year, at the junior/senior high and at the elementary and did not have any problems. He explained to me (while the students were in their gym free hour) that this year's special education students were incomparable to the previous year's. He informed me that some of these kids are born addicted to drugs. I'll repeat that. There are babies in Newaygo County that are born addicted to drugs. They need to have drugs. Not breast milk or a mother's love- but drugs. The moment I processed those words, my heart just broke. I cannot even imagine. To think that, because of a parent's irresponsible and lack of control, these children's lives are immediately and irreversibly thrown into chaos.
Here is some information on drugs and birth defects, found on the Livestrong website.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/245509-long-term-effects-of-drug-addicted-babies/
"Some drugs more frequently cause birth defects than others, notably alcohol, the most common cause of preventable birth defects in the United States, affecting between 0.5 and two children per thousand births, the Office of the Surgeon General reported in 2005. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome causes facial malformations, learning difficulties, behavioral issues and small stature. Amphetamines, such as Ecstasy, and methamphetamines may cause congenital heart defects, cleft lip and palate or clubfoot in some infants, according to the March of Dimes. Cocaine exposure may cause urinary tract defects."
"A number of studies indicate that prenatal drug exposure can cause learning disabilities as children grow. A 2002 article in the "Journal of the American Medical Association" by lead author Lynn Singer, Ph.D., of Case Western Reserve University Department of Pediatrics found that cocaine-exposed children were twice as likely to have cognitive delays compared to children not prenatally exposed to cocaine. Children prenatally exposed to heroin may also have long-term learning disabilities, the March of Dimes reports."
I have heard of babies being born addicted to drugs, but knowing that there were students in the very school I was in that were effected by that hit me like a fist. My mind kept returning to that conversation throughout the day. I will have to research the drug addiction and its effects on babies and then the growth and development of the child. It just blows my mind to think about it. That's not to say that I'm surprised by it, I most certainly am not. Especially in low income families in small towns and even in big cities- there are simply a lot of people using drugs. It only makes sense that some of those people are addicted and then end up pregnant. Heck, the drugs probably put them in a situation where they have sex and don't even know/remember it- let alone try to prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections.
Drugs are truly becoming more and more of an issue. People are finding ways to buy prescription drugs, misuse them, and become addicted to them. Even "legal" (depending on your location and definition), drugs- I'm thinking of marijuana- are taking over, and I wouldn't say it's for the better. Yes, marijuana effects everyone a little bit differently, and perhaps it does help medically (I haven't looked into that very much), but I don't believe it's beneficial. It might make you forget your pain, it might temporarily relieve it, once the high wears off though, it's back to square one. Bottom line, more is required, you become addicted. I have seen marijuana "mellow out" many people, they lose motivation, they lose track of time, nothing much really matters anymore or they'll just worry about things later. Slowly their life drifts by them. I have also heard of marijuana making people very angry and just turning them into someone that is the very opposite of who they are when they're clean.
But that was a tangent I didn't intend to get on.
A tangent that I do intend to discuss is the work environment. I have recently started a new job (again). I have had a variety of different jobs, all of them seasonal or short term. I was fired from my last job, I am disappointed to say. (That was going to be my first "real job", that's another story though). As I mentioned, I have had a lot of jobs, for my age, and I have been treated differently in each one. Some good, some bad, some mildly harassed, some mildly appreciated. I have been a number, just another employee. I have been the hardest and most dedicated worker, and I have been the slowest and least appreciated. The management and framework- if you will- of a business/job can truly make a world of a difference. A difference in how you see and value yourself, in your day to day life, and even the goals and desires that you set in your personal life.
One last thing I would like to bring up is friendship. I have wrote about this before, but it something that has a reoccurring importance to me. It is something that in one way or another is a struggle for me. I don't know if it is me, the people I become friends with, or simply a lot of coincidences. Either way, I would like to share some of my thoughts with you. Even if things are going great, and life is really looking up, there can sometimes feel like there is something missing. Upon reflection, one might discover that it is a void created by a lack of companionship, of friendship, of relationships. I have found that to be true for myself, at least. Just today, I was thinking about how difficult it is to be apart from your friends. Or to simply not have friends, for whatever reason that might occur. People need each other. We need someone or something- a pet, even- to come home to. We need a way to just unload, recharge, and refresh ourselves after a long day. We need people to talk to, to socialize with, to share our time with, to form ties with. Friends are people you can go to for advice, shed your frustrations off on, relax and let loose, and people who just know what you need. But what happens when those people are out of reach? Whether they are 10 minutes away or 1,000 miles away; whether it has been a day or years since you have talked. That is the dilemma that I constantly find myself in. Along with having a lot of different jobs, I have moved a lot. I have not had a lot of permanence in my life since I was quite young. That being said, I have a hard time keeping up with my friends or even keeping friends at all. Life simply drags people apart, there is just no avoiding it. (There are certainly ways to prevent it or slow it down, however).
I have found a recurring theme in the majority of my current and past friendships. I am not trying to point fingers, cause shame or regret- I am simply sharing. I can give my time, my emotions, my reliability, and mostly, my heart. But there are times when whatever I do is simply not enough. I will probably never understand why or how. That's just the way it is. Some people, with or without knowing, take and take and are unable to give back in the way we expect or even the way we need them to.
I try to amend broken or forgotten relationships, because it is important to me. There are very few people in the world that are not important to me, even if I don't know them or they are "unworthy". (By that I mean, homeless, poor, arrogant, rich, cruel, etc.). I will make contact with my "forgotten friends", in person if possible, but typically online or via text, Snapchat or other social media. Then previous or even current friend, for whatever reason, doesn't respond and leaves me wondering what I've done to make them not want to talk anymore. I always take it personally, although I know I shouldn't. As I have been reminded, it is not anything I am doing, it's likely not anything I've done, it is probably just the person on the other side of the friendship. Now, again, I would like to pause and remind any readers that I am not trying to bash the people I know or have known, I just want to share. That is always something that I've been good at, and am very willing to do. Also, it is not simply one person that I am writing about, it truly isn't. I have enough grace to not waste anyone's time trying to blame others and subtly, while very harshly, calling them out on their actions. That's not how I am. (Again, not saying that I'm any better than any single person on this entire earth, I know that I'm not). Writing is calming and satisfying to me, as is drawing.
Now that my purpose is- hopefully- clear, I'll continue. I could not tell you if whoever I am trying to rekindle my friendship with has changed, has decided that it is not worth their time to revive a dead friendship, if they're extremely busy, or if someone has caused them not to talk to me. (Perhaps a jealous boyfriend or girlfriend, someone who can't accept that two people can be friends without being frisky, if you will). Additionally, certain people will not change, unless it is of their own accord. If they have decided they don't want to talk for whatever valid reason they have, that's their decision and it could be final. I'm not one to determine if that is a good or bad decision, it is their own choice, as it should be. Determination is such a beautiful and terrifying thing. Once someone has decided it's over, it's over. There is no changing that stubborn mind. There are both pros and cons to this, as I have learned throughout my life. It can be negative when it proves to cause emotional harm to others, sometimes this is unavoidable. (For example, ignoring others or cancelling dates or plans). On that same note, it can be very positive if it means getting oneself out of a harmful relationship, whether it is abusive or simply negatively impacting oneself. The decision to say goodbye permanently and not look back is most certainly a positive one in that case.
I will try to wrap up, since I think I have covered a lot, and nearly finished all I would like to say/write. I would like to encourage anyone who reads this to not give up on others. Unless, of course, this causes harm to yourself. If you have done all you can to help someone, be their friend, or simply show that you know they're human and that you care, and they are not accepting of your efforts, then it is time to drop it. This is something I am still struggling to do myself, but I know in the long run, it is truly what's best, for both myself and the other person. Sometimes, there is just no convincing someone to trust you, be civil, or be a friend. That's just the way it is. There are other people who are more than happy to be a part of your life and who will be there for you, so find those people and stick with them! It's also totally okay to be independent and do things that you want when you want, whether someone else is there or not. It seems like independence can be really frowned upon, as the world seems to want to pair everybody up and convince people that "being alone is terribly sad" or something. But I disagree, and I think more and more people are also finding that being alone can be very satisfying. At least to some extent, and for a certain amount of time. Here are some more cheerleader mottos before I finish up. Don't be afraid of who you are, if you will fit in or not, or if you've let people see too much of you. (I'm not talking physically see too much of you, that is a whole other discussion). I personally have done all of those, and since I've stopped living by my own or society's rules, I am much happier for it. It is not worth it to hold yourself back, or let other people hold you back. It's self destructive and something that you can't reverse years down the road when you realize and regret it.
Another thing, like someone was wisely telling me this morning, don't expect people to always know or do what you want. Try not to set standards for how they should treat you, what they should or should not do around you, or even things you want to do together- go out to eat, go to the movies, spend the whole night talking, etc. If those standards are set, but not met, you are automatically going to be disappointed in that person or whatever it was you had envisioned in your mind to do when you hung out. Disappointment leads to resentment, resentment leads to being jaded. I really like the definition from Urban Dictionary: The end result of having a steady flow of negative experiences, disappointment, and unfulfillment fed into a person where they get to the point where their anger circuits just sort of burn out and they accept disillusionment.
Jaded is most often (that I have heard of, at least), used to refer to people, specifically relationships. I have been jaded towards men, because of situations in my own life. As time has passed, though, I have noticed that bias and seen that it is not true about everyone. Oh goodness, I think that was another tangent. Hmm, anyway, back on track. As I was saying, do whatever possible to not set standards and expectations for things that are out of your control. Jobs, relationships, hanging out, family, food. Anything, really. Now, on the other side of that, I don't want to encourage anyone to go through life without expectations or standards. Just use your judgement on when it is appropriate and when it is not. Positive thinking goes along with that, don't automatically expect that something you are going to do will be awful. The way you think and react to things can completely change the experience you have. Expecting a long wait at a restaurant, expecting the dinner conversation to be awkward at best, expecting the food to be off putting, etc. will most certainly impact how that experience actually is. Like I am sure everyone has heard by now, it's the power of positive thinking. I could keep going about both positive and negative thinking, but I don't want this blog to be 10 pages long, haha!
Be mindful of others, their situation; your own situation; the way you are perceiving the world; and the way that others perceive or receive you as a person. There are many things beyond your control or influence (children born addicted to drugs, people not accepting you), but don't let those things get you down. There are also so many ways to help, encourage and support the people and world surrounding you. Please, please, don't allow yourself to become jaded or hateful. Yeah, you read this post, so you know how I feel & hopefully remember at least some of what I've said. My desire is that some part of anything that I've wrote sticks with you and can help out in some way.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter" ~Dr. Seuss
